SIBLINGS AT THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

(To be published in the East Bay Psychiatric Association Newsletter, August 2007)

One of the least well-studied subjects in human psychology is the relationship between siblings. There are plenty of twin studies related to genetic factors of inherited illnesses, but ordinary sibling relationships take up very little space in the catalog of human inquiry. Sibling relationships are the longest ones that occur during one’s lifetime—longer than for spouses, parent and child, or for friends. We psychiatrists tend to minimize the importance of sibling relationships--I know that when I take a psychiatric history, I make relatively short shrift of this subject including the order of birth of my patients in their family, even though I recognize these issues as crucial aspects of anyone’s development.

One critical time in the history of sibling relations is when the last parent dies. It is at this juncture that I have witnessed major problems in a number of my patients’ relationships with their siblings. In fact, I have seen several patients through the years who sought my psychiatric assistance solely because of problems they encountered with their siblings during the time their parents’ estate was being settled. The problems encountered are often very ugly, with siblings battling each other for advantages in inheritance matters. Often the problems can be traced to parents not making the hard decisions before they die as to whom will receive what. Leaving too many decisions to the surviving children to sort out can lead to trouble more often than not.

Most parents have the fantasy that all of their children are level headed, fair-minded, and free of excessively competitive impulses. The parents want to believe that their children will matter-of-factly execute their will and never encounter a bit of conflict. But attorneys who specialize in estate matters will tell you that siblings only agree about 30% of the time on how to execute a will equitably. The larger the inheritance and the more illiquid the assets, the more opportunity there is for trouble to arise. The Clark brothers, heirs to the Singer Sewing Machine fortune, are but one example of siblings who never spoke to each other again after their wealthy parents’ estate was divided because of the resentment they experienced due to their perceived inequities in the division of the assets they inherited.

Siblings in this modern age of mobility often spend their adult lives in communities far apart, may have spouses with very different needs and personalities, and may often have very different financial circumstances. Mix these factors with some unresolved sibling rivalry, and you have the ingredients for a toxic brew. It is unrealistic to expect that several siblings with differing life-styles and ethical standards will agree on all significant matters. Parents may leave their children better off financially after they die, but worse off in more important matters if they do not address these matters preemptively. Some siblings, of course, have never been close or care much for each other, and in those cases, regardless of advanced planning, things may fall apart after the last parent dies.

Proper legal advice is essential in estate related matters, but sometimes attorneys are not so astute about psychological issues. Whether your patient is an aging parent or an adult child with aging parents, common-sense advice would be to encourage an open family discussion of estate matters, assuming they are deemed appropriate issues in the context of your patient’s therapy. It may prove helpful to have the family decide together which child should be trusted to be the sole executor, as having multiple siblings appointed as co-executors often leads to unnecessary complexities. Parents may also be wise to decide on the disposition of most of their assets during their lifetime, so as to minimize the possibility of excessive avarice, competition, and jealously arising in the surviving children. Failure on the part of your patients to address such estate matters within the family when it is still possible to do so may cause you to witness some of the more difficult and unpleasant family dynamics that one can encounter.