FRIENDSHIPS

(Published in the May 2000 edition of the East Bay Psychiatric Association Newsletter)


A recent article in the New York Times (“What are Friends For? A Longer Life”--April 20, 2009) reviewed research that concludes that adult friendships contribute to greater longevity. Friendships, the article states, may have an even more powerful beneficial impact on longevity than relationships with family members. It seems obvious that emotional closeness with others would be salutary to one’s health, but to have hard data now that this may lengthen one’s life is striking.

It is not yet clear what aspects of friendships are beneficial for adults. I do not expect that it is primarily the psychological boost derived from being able to discuss feelings more openly, because not all people use friendships to discuss feelings or emotional needs. The benefits for adults may come from the same positive feelings derived in latency age children who are “chums”—they form a bond in which they share life’s experiences together where they feel safe, secure, and accepted. Friendship bonds are critical during stressful times as well as during normal development. After wartime, soldiers report that they can never duplicate the positive feelings of closeness that occurred during combat experiences, and they never again feel as close to other human beings as they did during the war.

It is difficult to pinpoint why some people become friends and others do not. It is not necessarily the fault of anyone not to be a good friend of someone else—it’s just an idiosyncratic part of human nature as to why certain people feel close. In every classroom, team sport, or workplace, some people form bonds and others do not. Sometimes friendships are just not going to happen, and some relationships can actually be toxic to one’s psychological well-being. In those situations, avoiding the negative impact by staying away from that person may be the best strategy.

When I am with friends, almost regardless of the setting, it seems that a lot of laughter occurs. Recently I decided to go to my 40th medical school class reunion. Originally I had thought I would not attend this event, as remembrance of those stressful years was not something I wanted to rekindle. But then I recalled the close friends I had in my class and I also remembered the shared experiences of having “gone to battle” together to earn our M.D. degrees. Despite the 40 years apart from these friends, I expect there will be a lot of laughter when we meet again. And I can’t help but believe that laughter, one of the few free commodities in our society, is the best medicine on the market, wherever you can find it.

The act of maintaining friends is not the easiest task to accomplish in the busy world of adulthood. Marriage, time commitments to children, volunteer community interests, a second job, and other involvements can leave time for friends at the bottom of one’s priority list, and consequently these relationships may fade away. It probably doesn’t matter what venue you feel comfortable being with friends, be it sports, walks, intellectual or cultural events, or sharing a meal. The important thing is for adults to treat friendships as important and as natural a part of their lives as they did during their growing-up years.

Now that emerging hard data points to friendships being potentially life lengthening, perhaps people will choose to put as much emphasis on this as they do on taking their vitamins and herbal supplements or exercising regularly. Regardless, it is now more apparent that maintaining friendships should be high on anyone’s priority list if one wants a fulfilling, satisfying, and long life.